Why is it hurting so bad? Why am I even affected? This should not be happening ): Ya Allah, give me strength to pull through these hard times. Why? Why?

Sorry! Wanted to put a picture of my brother, but then I saw this picture and I am really missing my little tods. Especially that little boy!

The other day, my brother told me that I am his role model. ME. The ordinary girl, my brother’s role model. I was so touched. I love my brother so much. I can’t believe how our siblinghood has come to this wonderful stage. I could even sit down and talk to him, though it’s still slightly awkward to look directly in his eyes. But for so many years, I have yearn for this day to come.

I have been trying to amend my siblinghood with my brother ever since I was in Sec 3! I started being aware of how he was actually a scarred teenager. But it wasn’t easy trying to be close to my brother after spending my whole entire growing up moment hating him. But now, after so many years. I have finally achieved my dream of being able to sit down and talk to my brother.

Our siblinghood was getting better ever since Sec 4, but it’s just been laughter and jokes, no serious and meaningful talks. To me, having serious, meaningful talk is really important. It shows how much trust I have for that person for me to be able to talk in a serious manner. I am always joking and being childish which is why sometimes people don’t take me seriously (sigh). But if I’ve ever shared with you something serious and had meaningful conversations with you, it means that I’ve trusted you and I truly care for you.

And now, I’m consulting with my brother about my future and his plan for his future! Ya Allah, this is so beautiful! (‘: Everything really happen for a reason. Syukur sangat-sangat dengan apa yang Allah s.w.t telah kuniakan kepadaku. Alhamdulillah. 

But.. I am afraid though, that one day this blooming siblinghood would be destroyed once again :/ I don’t want to loose my brother anymore. He is the only reason why I am who I am today. I really love my brother.

Till this day, it hurts me so much when people speak ill of my brother. It hurts so much. And I still can’t forget how the man I used to love fought with my brother furiously over a girl. If he still can’t find that respect for my brother, then he will never be worthy of my heart.

P.S: I’m so sorry if this post don’t nicely flow and kinda don’t make sense! I intended to explain how and why my brother made me his role model, but I just can’t stop myself from expressing the joy! I can actually write a whole entire essay to explain the process, which took 5 years,  of getting to this stage. And 5 years ago I actually estimated that this day would come, 5 years later.

Alhamdulillah, I was accepted to work at Mindchamps Preschool. Everything is possible because of Allah s.w.t! Syukur Alhamdulillah! Thank you so much, Ya Rabb. Only He knows how much I’ve wanted to be in Mindchamps Preschool. Masyaallah (‘: He has done so much for me. But what have I done for Him?

All the little things that Allah has grant us, the air that we breathe, the friends that we have, the healthy parents who are still living well. Masyaallah, I can never thank Him enough. And yet, what have I done to deserve all these? And Alhamdulillah, my life thus far has been bearable. Maybe because He knows that I am not strong enough to overcome certain obstacles.

So I have been asking myself, why did Allah give me a life that is bearable as compared to others? Since our Prophet (p) once said, “When Allah who is Great and Glorious loves people He afflicts them [with trials].” (Tirmidhi). So of course it made me think! And so today I found my answer.

Allah has been giving me so many chances and opportunities, instead of trials, to remind me of Him. Sometimes, because I’ve led a free and easy life, I tend to forget that it is because of Him that my life is bearable. I failed to see the reason why He gave me this kind of life . It is to ensure that I am always thankful to Him and that I am always reminded of the wonderful things that He has bestowed upon me.

And from now on, I’ve learnt not to question His love for all His creation. Because He is the Most Loving and Most Generous. Masyaallah, true enough, He does things in a way that is unimaginable. What a miracle, Subhanallah! I am going to take this opportunity to help others who are in need. Thank you Ya Rabb, for Your endless hidayah. 

ECH T04 Class of 2012 <3

There is.. no more school. The end of lectures, tutorials, assignments, the end of school. It still hasn’t settle in, this feeling. So weird yet normal. Maybe when tomorrow comes, I’ll finally realise. The three years getting to know people, falling out, gossips, laughter, cries, such rich memories. From the classmates to the cohort to the juniors and of course MSS, I’ll definitely miss them all. Can’t wait for Pinnacle, the very last camp in NP.

There’s only one thing I’d like to say, “Thank You, Ngee Ann Poly,” really from the bottom of my heart. Alhamdulillah. It was also all possible because of Allah s.w.t. Syukur, ya Allah. Things will not be the way it is, if it’s not for Our Creator. May Allah continue watching over us in our future endeavors.

Ayul, he is someone who I can never forget.  But somehow, I don’t feel anything for him, neither love nor like. I just tend to think of him. Maybe because I know that if we’re meant to be, we’ll meet again someday. I am very proud of him, for finally achieving his dream. I’d really like to meet him someday when we’re both successful in our own ways. By then, we’ll be able to sit down and talk as mature adults and put our past behind us. Yes, I would really love that (: But what a thought!

Uni applications are all open. But I’m so lazy to do any admin stuff or write an essay or anything! Can someone do it for me? Sigh. So tedious! Reviewing all the COP GPA makes me feel so dumb. How to even apply for local Uni?! Without a doubt I won’t be able to enter. Sigh.

Singapore. Why is it that getting good and high grades the most important thing? If we don’t get good high grades, our future will be restricted. That is violation of human rights!

I am getting so worried about the future generation! What if we produce a bunch of intellects who can’t read people’s emotions. What would happen to Singapore? The next China? Disgusting.

Though I won’t deny Singapore’s education is top notch. But it’s so unfair for people who are good but just don’t do well. And I am not talking about myself. It’s just so unfair. An education system mainly look on our grades. Even teachers are replacing Moral Education with teaching the core subjects! CIP they say? More like they were forced. Pick up litters at the beach, spring cleaning the school? Sigh. Just how insignificant.

Why Singapore, why?

Three more group projects to complete before being officially done with school next week! Excited yet sad. During fp, Ms Suraya introduced a ‘Critical Friend’, someone who you can talk to with ease and gives constructive feedback to make you feel better and steer to the right direction.

I love my critical friend so much. She is the most wonderful person I have ever met. I can always count on her whenever I have problems. She’ll never fail to cheer me up and give me really strong support and advices. She is the one who made me comfortable when I was uneasy. I am still amazed at how similar we are. She is none other than Ifa Dayang! <3

Alhamdulillah, for all the close friends that I have met.

I am just not good enough. Never was, never will be. May Allah grant me strength to go through this again. Amin.

Only Allah knows how I truly feel. Ya Allah, sesungguhnya kaulah maha mengetahui.

So it has come to this! Bismillah! We’re officially done with school in 2 weeks time. Then this is it. The real thing. I am sure everyone’s really worried about where to go, what to apply, how to apply, when are the deadlines and etc. Even I am very nervous. What if I don’t get accepted in any Universities? I don’t want to start working just yet!

There are so many things that I am interested in and I want to learn more. I don’t want to just be safe and not explore other opportunities!  I love being with children. But I just can’t teach them. Portfolios, lessons, observation and stuff that teachers do, I am not good at them. Even the field supervisor said I am not a good teacher. Truth hurts, they say. Though that one time the other field sup said I’d be a good teacher. Oh well.

One thing that I am good at though is creating learning corners. That, I  must say, I truly enjoy doing. Plus just randomly, naturally playing with children. And yes, routine care! I love changing children’s diapers and bathe them! Then the little children will smell so good and oh so kissable and huggable! But sadly, I have really had a lot of chance to do routine care through out the three years of attachment days.

So while waiting, hopefully for acceptance letters from the Universities, I’ll probably find a centre which needs a tod/playgroup teacher.

Good read!

Had a really good alone morning at the library today. Mary Balogh just became my favourite author! Since I’ve been itching to read a good book, I visited the library in the morning. And I am so fortunate to finally get hold of a really interesting and good book! It’s so good that I am still very much fascinated by it! I don’t know if the author’s style of writing or because the story was based on historical romance. Maybe the latter. Because I generally prefer olden days dramas/books/stories.

This, I wanna read!

I am itching to read a good book right now! But I’m trying to hold back that urge. If I start reading now, I won’t be able to do anything.  A book has a weird yet strong magnetic force that’ll make me forget about the time and people around me.

And I’ll always get too carried away when I read, the book will control my emotions. When I read sad books, I feel depressed, when I read lovey dovey books, I feel in love! I can never forget the time when I read Chinese Cinderella, it took me three weeks to snap out of it. Because somehow I could relate really well with the character. And maybe a medium for self-pity. Haha.

But I guess that is the fun thing about reading. You get to imagine being someone else or get immersed in the story. Maybe I should learn to not get myself too attached to a character.

FP4 in a few hours time! CAN’T WAIT! One last practicum! Bismillah!