HOW IT’S LIKE TO LOVE ONE-SIDEDLY

What is it like to love someone who does not reciprocate your feelings? It’s like having this nice little jittery feeling all the time when you think about him. You wish you can be there through all his ups and downs. You wish you are the one he confides to, the one he depends on to cheer him up. You want to give your full support in everything he does. You want to know how his day is like. You wait for his next most recent post to see what he has been up to. You appreciate all his nature posts. You see him as a perfect man.

But that is all he is. Just a perfect man who’ll never have you in his heart. He will never know how much you care for him. He will never know how much you’ll want to support him. He will never know how much you actually love him. And that’s okay. That’s exactly what being in love with someone who does not love you back feels like.

I never expect myself to still have this feeling for him. It has been a year since my love was turned down. But no matter how hard I try, these feelings keep coming back. And though I have all these feelings inside me, I never want to see him again. I don’t think I can actually face him anymore. Not because I am ashamed of my confession, but because it scares me and makes me nervous. I am not sure if I can even stand in front of him without my knees giving in to my nervous trembling.

If God wills it, we will meet again. And for now, I think I’d rather not.

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LOVE

Love.
 
Love is selfless. No matter how much love troubles you, you still keep giving. Because love makes you care despite any circumstances. Even if love angers you, you can still find it within yourself to forgive love. Because love softens your heart.
 
Love is happiness and yet, love is a burden. Love warms your heart and gives you joy. But when love turns sour, love can hurt you so deeply. However, you still cannot stop loving even when it’s painful. Because love gives you hope that surely everything will be fine.
 
The more you love, the more patient you become. You learn to accept love for their strengths and weaknesses. You learn to understand love no matter how confusing it can be. You just keep loving because, love makes everything bearable.
 
Love is not just between a man and a woman. Love exists within a family, even among friends. Love is everywhere.
 
Love is in your heart.
 
“Love did not have to make sense. It did not have to be worthy. It did not have to woo. It just simply was.” – Mary Balogh

RANT POST

I am sick and tired of this shit. I just couldn’t care less anymore. It used to be my pride and joy but now it is just a stupid burden that I don’t even want to think about. It just annoys me when I think about it. My life is so peaceful without it and I think for now I will just go ahead and leave it behind.

It’s time to just let it all go and leave it all to fate.

It’ll come. Just don’t bother me anymore.

I don’t want to feel anymore.

 

KEEP IT SAFE

It’s pretty strong the urge but I’m resisting because I am scared. It’s not like I did not try, I did and it has already sealed the deal. I know what will be the outcome if I’m to be impulsive. I don’t think I have gotten over what happened. To prepare myself of what’s to come if I just wing it, would be devastating. I don’t think I can go through it just yet. Maybe for now, I will keep fighting the urge and not let my emotions get the better of me. Let’s keep it under the radar and keep my heart safe.

I am leaving it all to Allah. I trust that when the time comes, I’ll know the real answer, because He knows what’s in our hearts and what is best for us all.

May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you may be.

DEAR BABY

Will there ever be a day I get to have a child to call my own? Will there ever be a day I get to feel my baby’s little tiny grip wrap around my finger? Will there ever be a day I get to hear my baby call me ibu?

To feel my baby’s soft tiny feet, to kiss my baby’s smooth cheeks, to smell that wonderful baby smell that lingers on my baby’s head. I wonder if I will ever get a chance to be a mother. Not to mention having to be married first. Somehow it worries me more that I will never get to be a mother than not having a husband.

When I see young mothers walking with their babies, I feel a pit in my stomach, a pinch of emptiness in my womb. It’s something that I yearn for. Many around me are getting pregnant and hearing their stories get me beyond excited. I feel like I’m a a god-mother awaiting the birth of their babies. At least it is a way I get to have a taste of motherhood.

I pray and will always pray each and everyday that I get a chance at marriage and baby in this life. Do pray for me as well.

May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you may be (:

EMBRACE YOURSELF

Why do you compare yourselves to others. You are you, you know what works best for you. Never put yourself in a situation where you feel pressured by those around you. Work at your own time, at your own pace. Follow what is in your heart and not what others are doing. Learn more about yourself. Praise your strength and challenge your weakness. Caring for yourself is not selfish, it’s a right. Only by embracing yourself would you be able to inspire others. 

SINGLEHOOD

I told myself that I am ready to settle down. I believed that I had to put in effort to meet someone, hence I went on a muslim dating app to broaden my circle of friends. But getting to know someone through a dating app made me realise how uncomfortable it is. I ended up deleting the app after a week.

I realised I did not like the idea of a stranger getting to know me out of nowhere as much as I thought I did. Maybe I felt vulnerable or maybe my expectation was too high but I think it is still my right to have a set of expectations, not only for me but for my future family. This experience taught me that it is better to stay single than to end up settling for a guy just because I met him online first.

For now, I think I am good living on my own. For now, I think I am done searching for someone. For now, I think I like having full control over my day to day decisions. So for now, I am going to continue being single.

Alhamdulillah, I am very happy and grateful where I am right now. I am just very excited to chase after my dreams.

May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you maybe (: