IT’S PAINFUL

i’m still not over it. when i get home, i’m just reminded of what my brother did to me. it’s really hard to forget about it. as much as i want to forget, it’ll just come back again. i want to confront him, i really want. but i can’t.

confronting him means acknowledging the past. i don’t want to ever bring up about the past. i don’t even want to believe that it happened. it’s hard to convey this burdened feeling i have. even the handful who knows what happened in the past won’t fully understand how i feel.

i really need to talk to someone and let all these shit feeling out. i can’t bear to go through this alone. at the same time, i don’t want to even think about it. but it means i’m running away. but i already am.

i don’t know why the past keeps popping out ): my brother doesn’t  know how much i stood up for him when idris and co. treated him like shit. he doesn’t know how much my heart hurt when firhan threw  a cigarette at my brother when my brother just asked for one cigarette. he doesn’t know how badly i cried in my prayers hoping that god will forgive his sins.

and he doesn’t know how badly i wanna talk and share all my problems with him. i keep telling myself that one day that day will come. that one day, he’ll at least give a little bit of attention to me.

but now, he’s gotten a new girlfriend, a year younger than me. i am truly jealous. i am jealous of all the girls that received his love. i’ve never gotten his attention before. i know he gets stressed up when he thinks of his future. i know he gets anxious day by day knowing that his sisters are a step ahead of him in life.

but really, i was proud of him when he managed to finally think of his future. i was so happy that he finally realised his mistakes. and that god has finally answered my prayers. and then i trusted him.

trusting him was my biggest mistake. really, how could he do this to me? i’m not angry. i was never angry from the start. i just can’t believe it. it’s so disappointing. it’s too sad to even be called sad. thinking about this aches my heart and makes me wanna cry.

even if i cry till my tears run dry, i can never stop feeling betrayed.

 

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