Syukur Alhamdulillah I didn’t!
After much thought, I’ve finally decided. It’s time to move on once and for all. I’m getting out of this blog. This dear wordpress of mine has been with me since 2006, when I was in Secondary 2! It holds tons of memories, good and bad. I’ll be back with a new blog and a new start, with new aim in life – towards the path of the righteous people, InsyaAllah (:
After KCC I had a long bus ride home, and I took that time to think about all the things I did, with him. Not many people knew what happened between us. I tried my best keeping everything to myself, but I tend to blurt it out at random moments. Everytime I tell someone the whole story or the continuation of it, I’d feel full of terrible regrets and heaps of embarrassment. And after every person I’ve told, I kept telling myself that this will be the last, but of course, being me, last is never really last.
I asked myself, “Why do I keep wanting to tell others?” Then, I dug deep into my heart searching for the answer. The answer was simple, I wanted some sympathy from others. Out of the handful, most of them mentioned that I am just a rebound to him. Then reality slapped me. I knew perfectly well that he’ll only come back to me when he’s lonely despite all his tries to prove it to me. I feel so beyond stupid. Hearing myself telling the story, wanting other people to pity me for a minute, was disgusting! Utterly disgusted by myself.
Honestly speaking what we used to have was wonderful and sweet, something I am thankful for. But then, all the things that were said and done weren’t for the sake of Allah. It was our nafsu, I have to agree. That’s why nothing worked out well between us. Then I questioned myself again, “Why did Allah gave me this situation?” If it wasn’t for this, I wouldn’t have realised what we did weren’t for the sake of Allah.
I won’t get angry neither will I do what he did. I won’t jugde neither will I hate. I won’t be prideful neither will I hurt his ego. All I want is to apologise.