Ever since that day, everything feels different. Maybe it’s for the better. I think right now, I am ready to let go. It’s been nice carrying a lovely feeling in my heart. But I want to stop now. Because if he really is the one then he will be. For instance he is not the one, then I wouldn’t want to make comparisons. There’s a saying that goes, “Love the one you marry, rather than marry the one you love.” Insyaallah, when the time comes, I will be able to help complete my future husband’s deen. Amin.

For now, I want to focus on my family and myself. I’d want to spend every precious moment with my family. I owe them a lot. I love the time spent together, always full of joy and laughter. Though sometimes we end up fighting, it’s amazing how we’d reconcile within minutes.  Alhamdulillah. I am truly thankful and definitely grateful to Allah to have given me a complete family.

As for my life right now, I think I’d want to stick to my original plan of going to UNSW. But I’m not sure if they’d accept me. A mere 3.5 GPA is not even enough to get in, what’s more given my 3.6 GPA! :/ But I’ll try to apply no matter what. Because it’s the only school that  I’ve been wanting to go.

But the fact that it is in Australia, is holding me back. I don’t mind the fact that I have to clean and cook on my own. But I mind leaving my loved ones behind. I just can’t imagine not being able to lie down on my parents’ bed, just telling them my daily stories, not being able to see the lovely sisters that I love so much, not spending time with my close friends and also not surrounded by my relatives.

Am I actually ready to study abroad? I sometimes question myself. What is the reason behind my decision? Is it just to run away from problems? Is it really necessary to go abroad?

To be honest, I’d want to start fresh. In a place where no one knows me. Not that I’ve done anything bad here. But it’s more like the friends that I could have made, which I didn’t. I’d to begin from scratch, finding friends by being myself. I just want to be myself. I don’t know what ‘being myself’ is like, but I do know when I am being insincere.

May Allah show me a sign soon. But for now, I’ll have to continue teaching my children. I will be a better teacher this term! I will make a difference! Bismillah!

May Allah bless you whoever you may be (:


2 thoughts on “DECISIONS

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