INDEPENDENCE

My family, friends, my entire life, they are all here, in Singapore. Am I ready to leave them for my dreams? Do I really have to go Malaysia? No, I am not ready. No, I don’t have to go. Then, why? Why am I so persistent? Because I was given the opportunity to learn independence in an entirely new level.

I have been living my life independently for awhile now. I want to challenge myself further. It’s a risk that I am willing to take. Being away from home is a foreign step. It’ll test my independence level. I know deep down inside me, that I’ll be able to ace through this test, InshaaAllah. One thing that I have gained through out my working experience, is definitely the confidence that I have once lost. I am confident I can do it.

But there are questions that linger.

#1 Am I going because I am running away? If so, this wouldn’t be the first time. I want to make sure that I am not running away again. But I can’t help but think of going over to Malaysia, just to escape the problems that exist right now, to let time do the healing, to create a new identity.

#2 Will I miss out a lot on people’s life? One of the things that I am afraid of, is not being able to see zahin grow. He is already 11 as of now. Once I am back, he’ll be 14. Will it be awkward for him to hug me like how he does not? Will he still say those sweet words just to make me smile?

#3 Will he send me off? Yes, I am still holding on to that one last hope. He doesn’t seem to care now. We haven’t talked at all, not even a short comment. Honestly, I wish I hadn’t fall for him if I ever knew this was going to happen. But I am still hoping that he’ll come to just send me off. Like our last goodbye. There’s so much that I need to explain to him. As much as I’ve hurt him, he hurt me too. Well, neither of us would make the first move. This is our lost, for now at least. If we’re meant to be, it’s gonna happen. InshaaAllah.

#4 How would my family live without me? The other day, I was so pissed because everyone was calling my name out loud asking me to wash the dishes, to hang the clothes, to cook, to do this and that. I got so angry that I just burst out saying, “What will all of you do without me?” Of course the brother and sister were like, “like I never do chores,” and, “the house will be so quiet!” Then my mother said something which I can’t quite remember, but what she implied was, it would really be different without me. With no shame, I totally agree. I know, without me, it is going to be different. I have been acting like the eldest in the family. This would probably be a chance for me to just take a break from family responsibilities.

Well.. yeah, I am done. May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you may be (:

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