JUST NEED A REST

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I haven’t post a proper daily post for a long time. So.. Bismillah! Well, life has been really tiring. My life relatively revolves around work and chores. I am going to complain a little bit in this post. Please bear with me, thank you.

Work is really draining, as usual, nothing new. But one challenge that I face every single day is, TIME. There hardly is time for children to finish up their art work or to play. I have been compromising with their playtime and I feel so guilty. I try my very best to integrate play into my every activity. But it’s different when they’re having free play. Laoshi and I have been ‘fighting’ for the time with the children. Even their lunch time is delayed for 15 minutes and their outdoor time has been shortened to 20 minutes instead of 30. I feel so sorry for them. I wish we have more time.

Time is also an issue for us teachers. During our lunch break or when the children are sleeping, we don’t even get to rest! Hardly a day past that we can just sit back and relax! It’s either we are trying to prepare the week’s lesson or writing evaluation, or newsletter or weekly update, or planning an excursion or completing the progress reports and portfolios and many many more! What’s worst is that we have weekly meetings, twice a week! TWICE A WEEK!

So the only time I have to myself is when I am at home. Even that, I don’t get to rest. I have to either cook up a meal, or clean the kitchen. If I skip doing either of it any day, Ibu will be like, “Tolong lah kemas sikit, jangan melampau boleh tak?” Meaning, can you clean up the mess and don’t be a couch potato. Then Ayah will send us a text saying how we’re always making a mess of the house, yada yada.

YA ALLAH!!!! I just want to rest, just for a little while! I had a mental breakdown because of all these. Is it an unforgivable sin to not wash the dishes (that other people eat) right away?! Am I being such an irresponsible daughter when all I want to do is just rest? Can Ibu and Ayah, for once, get the other siblings to do the chores too? Just because the Adik is having a A levels this year, doesn’t mean she is exempted from doing chores right? And why is it that Abang always gets away with chores? Is it because he is a guy?

Sigh.. All I want is for Ibu and Ayah to know that I will do the chores, in fact I don’t mind doing it. But just to bug me to do it. And when I do it, can they praise me for it? Can they just stop assuming that I am always not doing the chores? I can really feel the heartache when Ibu and Ayah assume that I am always taking things for granted.

The incident that hit me bad was when Ayah shouted vulgarities at me. It was the first time in my 20 years living under his care that he shouted those despicable words. I couldn’t tell anyone about that incident no matter how much I wanted to rant. I wanted to tell people about how I feel right now, but I don’t even have the heart to. But now that I am writing this down, it feels better.

Since I am already at this topic, I am going to lash everything out. Now that my brother is doing well in school, Ibu and Ayah are finally really proud of him. (Alhamdulillah, thank you for all who’ve prayed for him.) But now, he is like the star of the house, when it used to be Adik. I have gotten over the “who is the star of the house” since I was 14, so that’s not the point. The main point is, I miss being able to pour out my feelings to Ibu. Now that Abang has started schooling, Ibu’s been listening to him and his ever so funny story. (I am jealous, there, I finally admit it.) Then she’d laugh and laugh, looking so absorbed in his story. Of course as her daughter, I’d want to make her laugh at my stories too. So I’d share with her all the happenings at work but she seemed so uninterested now. (Can you hear that? My heart is breaking.) She didn’t even laugh or budge. Like a small kid, I then retreated upon seeing her lifeless reaction.

I used to joke around with Ayah, like a lot. Our jokes are endless! But now, he’d gotten too serious for his own good. I can’t seem to joke with him anymore. When I try to crack a joke, he’d be like, “Jangan kurang ajar sangat”. Last time he’d reciprocate, but now, I am deemed as rude. It made me feel bad as a daughter because I have no intention to be rude towards him. Then everything that I say it used against me. Now I’ll just accept the things that he’d nag at/about me. As much as I want to scream back at him, I know I have to hold it in. I just have to take all the blows from him.

Ya Allah.. It’s so.. ): I thought 21 year olds are already past this ‘family issues’ age? But why is this suddenly popping out? Is it just me or is there anyone else feeling as though this ‘problem’ is resurfacinf? I know my duties and responsibilities as a daughter to my parents. I know I have to suck this up and pull through because at the end of the day, I am still blessed with a family and a roof over my head.

There must be a blessing in disguise. InshaaAllah, there will be a beautiful rainbow after this storm.  Thank you for your ears, or rather your eyes. I might not be able to share my stories personally, but I do hope this works. May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you may be (:

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