FRAGILE

This is really driving me mad. The emotional roller coaster that I am experiencing right now. Nothing is going the way I want it too. It’s like as though I have lost all the drive that I used to have. I am so tired, mentally, physically, emotionally. I am actually angry with myself.

I am not able to keep up with my daily exercise routine and diet. I haven’t been able to do my work properly. I can’t even manage my own emotions right now. I feel as fragile as a glass. I get so irritated and annoyed so easily. I can’t stand how I am right now. I just wanna lock myself up every single day. I feel so petty and I know, there’s only myself to be blamed. It’s not anyone’s fault and neither am I blaming the world.

It’s just me. I just can’t get a hold of myself. I’ve never been so stressed and angry at myself so much before. And I wish I can just turn off my emotional switch. I really don’t want to give a damn about everything. I just feel like dropping everything and just fly all over the world. But I know, it’s impossible and that’s just what the desperate selfish part of me is yearning for. But the logical me is still sane.

So I am going to swallow this stupid phase that I am facing. I need to be more patient than ever. I need to get a grip of myself. I need to keep moving forward. I need to stop all these nonsense. I need to tell myself that it’s okay to fall. I need to learn to be easy with myself.

Yes, come tomorrow, I will not be the fragile person I am right now. I will be stronger. I may need all the motivation I have in this world to keep moving forward. I will be a better person, for the sake of Allah. It’s okay that I am down today. But when the sun rises tomorrow, this petty Nadhirah will be gone!

Phew. What a rant that was. I just had to let it out. I really need my discipline back, and I think I am ready for the next phase. Bismillah!

But there is sort of one thing that is actually muddling with my feelings. And… I really don’t know. It’s driving me crazy how affected I am by it. I thought I had my feelings all sorted out, but no. I don’t think that I am as strong as I thought I was. I don’t know who he is referring to, but that girl, she’s one lucky girl. But I just feel so stupid and dumb to get worried and to show how I care for him all these while. I’m just so plain stupid. And now, knowing that there is a girl out there whom he cares for, I am still hoping that he’d reply me. But he has all the rights in the world to not reply me anyway. I am just the stupid one.

Me and my never ending stupidity. Sigh.

I apologise to whoever who read this ranting post of mine. But don’t worry, I am fine actually. This is just what I had to let out, to be a stronger person tomorrow.

May Allah bless you and your family, whoever you may be (:

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